Children and Connection: Keeping Your Marriage First

When I worked as a wedding and event photographer, I spent hours watching couples up close, not just during the pretty moments but also in the quiet, unposed parts of the day, and I saw a clear pattern in the strongest marriages: they stayed connected even when people pulled them in a hundred directions, they touched each other, they made eye contact, and they spoke with respect, and now that I have three kids of my own, I understand how much that matters, because the way we love each other as husband and wife becomes the atmosphere our children breathe every single day.

A healthy marriage is like a strong roof over a house, because it gives children a deep sense of security, it shows them what respect looks like in real life, and it sets the tone for everything from how we talk at the dinner table to how we handle stress, so when my husband and I choose to speak kindly, laugh together, and work as a team, our kids learn that this is normal and they grow up knowing that love is steady and safe, not wild and unpredictable.

When the marriage is under strain, kids may not have the words to explain it, but they feel it in their hearts and in their bodies, and you can see it come out in their behavior, their sleep, or even at school, so if there is constant tension or cold silence between mom and dad, you might suddenly notice more meltdowns, trouble focusing, or stomach aches, which is why I take our conflicts seriously and try not to ignore them, because our children are often the first ones to show us that something in our relationship needs attention.

Putting your marriage first can sound selfish to some people, especially in a world that tells us kids should be the center of everything, but I believe it is actually one of the most loving things you can do for your children, because when your relationship with your spouse is strong, your kids get two parents who are united, calmer, and more joyful, and they get to grow up in a home that feels peaceful and predictable instead of fragile and full of unspoken fear.

The truth is that investing in your relationship now, even in small daily ways, saves you from a lot of stress and heavy work later, because tiny wounds that are cared for quickly do not turn into infections, and small habits like talking every night, praying together, or holding hands in the kitchen build a strong foundation over time, so when the harder seasons come, like a new baby, a job loss, or a teenager who is struggling, you already have unity and trust in place instead of trying to build it in the middle of a storm.

My husband and I made a simple but strong decision together that our relationship comes before hobbies, scrolling on our phones, or extra activities, which means we often say no to things that look fun so we can say yes to each other, and that might look like closing the laptop at night, skipping a TV show, or leaving a church event on time so we can actually talk, because we know that if we are not intentional, everything else will crowd out the marriage that holds our whole family together.

One thing that has helped us is making an actual agreement about our non negotiables, instead of just hoping we will find time, so we decided on things like a weekly check in where we talk about schedules and feelings, no phones at family meals so we can look each other in the eye, and a weekly planning night where we sit down with the calendar and divide tasks, and because we chose these habits together, they feel fair and clear instead of like one person nagging the other.

I have also learned that small acts throughout the day matter more than one big date night once a month, so I try to enjoy a quick morning coffee with my husband before the kids fully wake up, we share little chores like folding laundry side by side while we talk, and I make sure to pause and give him a quick hug or kiss between school runs and sports practices, because all those tiny moments build a steady feeling of closeness that carries us through the chaos of family life.

When both partners understand the plan and the priorities, there is a lot less room for resentment and surprise, because instead of one person quietly thinking, “I guess I do everything around here,” or “You never make time for me,” you both know what you have agreed to, you both know when you are off track, and you can adjust together, which makes the home feel more like a team effort and less like two tired people fighting for scraps of time and attention.

With three children, I do not have time for long, dramatic speeches, so I try to keep my words short and kind when I talk with my husband, especially on busy days filled with diaper changes, school runs, and homework, and instead of piling on complaints, I will say one clear sentence like, “I feel overwhelmed with bedtime tonight, can you help,” because simple honest words are easier to hear and much less likely to turn into a fight, and they show respect even when I am tired.

We also lean on practical tools to keep our communication clear, like a shared digital calendar so we both see appointments and games, a quick nightly highlight where we each share one good thing and one hard thing from the day, and even a simple text that says “need a talk” when something heavier needs attention later, and these little signals help us stay connected without needing a big serious sit down every time a small issue comes up.

Listening has been a skill I had to practice on purpose, because it is easy to jump in and defend myself, but instead I try to repeat back what I heard my husband say in my own words, like “So you felt alone last night when I stayed on my phone,” and then I ask one simple clarifying question, which slows my reactions down and helps him feel heard, and I notice that when I listen well, he is much more willing to listen to me too.

When our everyday communication is gentle, clear, and respectful, we prevent a lot of bigger misunderstandings later, because little frustrations do not have a chance to pile up like a hidden stack of dishes, and we can deal with issues while they are still small, so instead of exploding over something minor after weeks of silence, we are regularly emptying our hearts in safe ways and keeping our marriage more peaceful.

I have learned that intimacy in marriage is much bigger than just the moments in the bedroom, because it is also the way we touch during the day, the kind words we choose, and the feeling of being truly seen by each other, so I look for small chances all day to connect, like brushing my hand across his shoulder as I pass by, smiling when he walks into the room, or thanking him out loud for working hard for our family, and those simple choices make our home feel warm and safe for both of us.

One way we keep connected is by building what I like to call micro moments, which are tiny pockets of closeness that fit into a busy day, such as placing a gentle hand on the small of his back as he washes dishes, whispering something loving at bedtime when the lights go out, or sitting together for a 10 minute debrief after the kids are asleep where we talk about our days, and even though these moments are short, they remind us that we are not just co parents but still man and wife.

Sexual connection matters deeply in marriage, but with children in the house, we have learned to guard it with kindness and realistic expectations, because fatigue is real and hormones shift, so instead of feeling ashamed or angry when we are tired, we talk honestly about our needs, we look ahead and plan windows for closeness when we are more likely to have energy, and we try to treat each other with patience and affection even when the timing does not work out, which keeps desire safe instead of pressured.

When we keep making these steady small investments in both emotional and physical intimacy, trust and desire have a chance to grow even during the busy seasons of parenting, and our connection does not depend on perfect circumstances but on daily choices, so over time our marriage feels stronger, safer, and more joyful, which blesses not only us but also our children who watch and learn what covenant love looks like in real life.

At our house, my husband and I talk openly about our strengths and energy levels when we divide tasks, so he often takes bedtime stories because he is playful and calm at night, and I usually handle mornings because I am better at getting everyone moving, and none of this is set in stone forever, but it helps us use what each of us does well in a practical way that serves the whole family instead of arguing about who does more.

To lower friction and confusion, we try to create simple weekly rhythms, like a basic chore list that stays mostly the same, a grocery routine where one of us shops and the other puts things away, and a clear plan for who handles school pick ups on certain days, and because these patterns repeat, we do not need to renegotiate every single task, which saves energy and keeps us from turning every busy afternoon into a stressful debate about whose turn it is.

We want our kids to see that marriage is teamwork, not perfection, so we let them watch us cooperate on projects like cleaning the kitchen together or getting ready for guests, and when we snap or misunderstand each other, we try to apologize in front of them in simple language, which teaches them that grown ups say sorry too and that unity does not mean never messing up, but rather choosing to repair and keep loving each other anyway.

When roles and expectations are clear, even if they are simple, there are far fewer surprise fights in the hallway about who is carrying what load, and the kids receive more consistent parenting because both mom and dad know who is handling discipline in a moment, who is in charge of certain routines, and what the general plan is, so the home feels steadier and safer for everyone involved.

At the same time, we hold our plans with open hands, because seasons change quickly with babies, toddlers, school years, and different work demands, so we check in every week or two and ask if something needs to shift, and sometimes that means I take on more outside work while he does more at home, or we swap bedtime duties for a while, and that flexibility keeps us from feeling trapped while still honoring the basic structure that our family needs.

We aim for a regular date night when we can manage it, even if it is simple and close to home, and on weeks when we cannot go out, we still protect a smaller nightly ritual such as a five minute check in on the couch after the kids are in bed, where we ask each other how we are really doing, because the goal is not the restaurant or the fancy outfit, but the protected time where we can remember that we are husband and wife, not just tired parents passing in the hallway.

To keep dates affordable and consistent, we have used babysitting swaps with trusted friends or family, where we watch their kids one night and they watch ours another night, and this has been a huge blessing because it takes away some of the money stress and also builds community, and sometimes even a simple afternoon coffee date while grandparents take the kids to the park can refill our hearts more than an expensive dinner ever could.

Not every couple enjoys the same things, so I encourage you to build rituals that fit your actual life and personality, whether that is a quiet Saturday morning walk while the kids watch cartoons, a monthly dinner out where you both dress up a little, or a shared devotional time where you read the Bible and pray together once a week, because what matters most is that these habits remind you that God joined you together and that you still delight in each other as friends and partners.

Over time, these repeated rituals build a steady sense of “us” that can survive hectic sports schedules, sleepless nights, or stressful work seasons, and even when life feels crowded, you both know that there is a regular time set aside to reconnect, laugh, and share your hearts, which strengthens the bond at the center of the family and gives your children a quiet confidence that mom and dad are close.

When conflict comes, which it always does in any honest marriage, I try to calm my body before I open my mouth, and sometimes that means I take a short time out in the bedroom or bathroom to breathe, pray, and let the first wave of anger settle, because I have learned that speaking in the heat of the moment usually leads to words I regret, while a small pause can turn a potential explosion into a real conversation where we actually solve something instead of just hurting each other.

When I know I have done wrong, I aim to use an apology that shows I understand the hurt I caused, so I keep it brief, sincere, and specific, saying something like, “I am sorry I rolled my eyes when you were talking, that was disrespectful and I know it hurt you,” instead of giving a long excuse or blaming him back, and this kind of apology invites healing instead of restarting the fight.

We also try to include a repair step after a conflict, which can be as simple as a hug that says we are on the same team, a practical fix like changing a schedule that caused stress, or a clear plan for how we will handle that issue better next time, because repair is more than just saying sorry, it is also showing with actions that we care about the wound and want to protect the relationship moving forward.

When a couple knows how to repair quickly and gently after conflict, small problems are less likely to grow into deep resentment, because hurts are noticed, named, and cared for instead of shoved into the dark, and this creates an atmosphere where both husband and wife feel safer to be honest, which in the long run keeps the marriage softer and kinder for everyone in the home.

In order to keep showing up well as a wife and mom, I have learned to stick with simple self care that fits my life, like going to bed a little earlier when I can, moving my body most days even if it is just a walk with the kids, and starting my mornings with a steady paleo style breakfast that keeps my blood sugar and energy more stable, because when I am not running on fumes and sugar crashes, I am much more patient, loving, and clear minded with my family.

I also protect a short daily quiet time as much as possible, which for me usually means a few minutes of prayer, reading my Bible, or taking a short walk outside while I talk with God about my worries, and this habit helps me see my day in a bigger light, remember what truly matters, and release some of the pressure I carry, so I can return to my husband and children with a softer heart instead of a hard, anxious one.

Learning to ask for help and accept it without guilt has been humbling but powerful, because a strong wife is not the one who does everything alone, but the one who understands her limits and lets others support her, whether that is accepting a meal from a friend, letting grandparents take the kids for an afternoon, or hiring help when possible, and when I do this, I notice I have more emotional space for my marriage instead of giving my husband only the leftovers of my energy.

When I make it a priority to care for my own body, mind, and spirit in these simple ways, I become a better partner and mother, because I have more patience for my husband’s needs, more gentleness for my children, and more joy in the daily work of home and family, and this kind of healthy stewardship of myself is not selfish, it is part of honoring the calling God has given me within my marriage and my home.